Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
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[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
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Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.