*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
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you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!