Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
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I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
My support group can outdrink your support group.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.