If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
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If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy