Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
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Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol