Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
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IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco