Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
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cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
My whole life was a lie.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.