“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
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anyone else like Italian cereal
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Happy Friday
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter