KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
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It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE