Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
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Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.