Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
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Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
What about second breakfast?
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”