ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
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“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
I drew y’all a little something.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.