isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
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FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
*lint rolls you awake*
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
This makes total sense…
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time