How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
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The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed