*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
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Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
no refunds
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you