Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
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Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums