Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
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Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
BaD BoY!!
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.