Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
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I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.