[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
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My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”