“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
You Might Also Like
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
english majors be like furthermore
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.