If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
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Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.