SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
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There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering