I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
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captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified