Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
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Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
The dark side of Canada
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off