Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
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[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
When someone trying to leave me
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
hmm conte-me mais
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.