Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
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Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
They did not think through this water fountain
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”