Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
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[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.