On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
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CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Who.
Did.
This?
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio