Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
You Might Also Like
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
😂😂😂
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here