I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
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Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
i really liked this one
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!