TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
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Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Yep.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.