If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
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I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”