I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
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Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Always 🥴
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.