The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
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If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem