[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
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I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
A friend helps you before you need it
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?