Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
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My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Sing it!
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
road rage
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.