*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
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My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids