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Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Huge, if true.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
this makes me so uncomfortable
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra