The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
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Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall