Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
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Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why