Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
You Might Also Like
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.