I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
You Might Also Like
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Stonehinge
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?