I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
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wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not