Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
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My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
I’m sure it’s fine.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Oh no
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Dolls on drugs
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.