My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
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[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*