E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
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Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
Just a reminder, folks:
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Boating season is upon us.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}