If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
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This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant