My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
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I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children