*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
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demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.