Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
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The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
My dating profile:
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.